Although there was lots of 'Christian' stuff in my plans, and what I desired were wonderful gifts from God - I had tried to understand my identity through what I was doing, not who I was.
I came to realise that I needed to see myself as God's child. That is who I am. I am His, I am forgiven, I am made in His image, I am redeemed...
I needed to realise that I couldn't make permanent a phase of life, just because I had never thought beyond that phase. My plans as an 8 yr old were totally flawed, because life continues, and I had never thought about it past a certain point...
I have since then come to understand that if I start with the mindset that I am primarily God's child, then everything else in my life falls into perspective, and into place.
So, yes, I am a mother. That's great... but I wont be a mother of young children forever - that is just the wonderful role God has given me at this time in my life - and because of my relationship with God - I want to do my best at living that phase for Him - teaching, loving, rumbling, feeding, caring for etc those precious little ones He has so blessed me with. But this is a stage.
I am a wife - yes. And I so dearly love my husband - but if I only see my identity as a wife, then if anything ever happened to him, I would no longer know who I was. I am first a child of God, and for this time, and hopefully the rest of my life (I want to die before AB), I will get to enjoy being a wife to AB - this is a God given gift - and because it's God given - I want to be the best wife for AB that I can be, for God - as well as for AB!
I have school aged kids - yes. And as God's child, I need to enjoy my school aged kids, and all that these older children need me for - part of which is starting to let them do much more than they did as younger children at home - I need to see this as a phase of my life too - with thanksgiving, because it is a God given phase for which I am thankful.
And when the kids leave home, or when I grow old, or whatever future I have - the dependable truth is that I am God's child. I will try and live with whatever phases of life God gives me, and be thankful for it.
I don't know if that makes sense to any of the readers of this blog - but it really revolutionized my thinking and self image. I live for God. I live for His plans. I don't worry about 'what next', because God is in control of that. And I live with great thankfulness for each wonderful gift or phase God has given me. Once I get that I am God's child, all the other things just fall into place, in the right perspective.
It's a very freeing realization.
Once that was sorted, I didn't have 'E' to somehow continue that gap of all my young ones being at school, therefore I'll have no role in life - we had 'E' because Buzz and I dearly love babies, and wanted another one. And I have in some ways enjoyed her more because of that difference. I still don't want this phase of my life to finish, and still long for each day with 'E' to go by slowly - but, I am no longer afraid of what's next. What's next is the same as what's now - I am God's child.... the other bits are merely details.